Depressed

The loneliness is killing me

I don’t feel okay

The future I cannot see

Makes me sad everyday.

 

My heartache is becoming severe

It runs through my body

Causing me to shed a tear

And all of a sudden I become soppy.

 

My anxiety grows everyday

I suddenly feel out of control

Everything turns grey

I look around this deep hole

 

I cannot escape this place

The light at the end of the tunnel is getting smaller and smaller

When I look into space

Black is the only color.

 

Hope is nonexistent

Tomorrow is a blur

My outlook on life is inconsistent

I don’t see myself as her.

Today – 17/08/17

My depression has been getting worse. I am avoiding leaving the house but I am also avoiding people. I am staying with my cousin and he is having friends round tomorrow night. I have decided to avoid a house full of people by going to watch a movie by myself. I have never been insecure to go to a public place alone yet now I am cringing at the thought of it. My heart panics due to the amount of people in the house at once but my stomach knots up knowing I will be all alone with no one to talk to in public.

I have been trying so hard. I really have. I am still madly in love with my ex boyfriend that broke my heart. I know he doesn’t even think about me. Its hard loving someone who doesn’t love you back. My father has chosen his girlfriend over me. We went from talking several times a day to once every 10 days.

I recently watched the movie ‘TO THE BONE’ and it made me cry. Lily Collins’s character says something that I really relate to. She says people don’t love you, they love something  you give them or the way the love makes them feel inside. Not actually about you. I believe her. The world has become a cold selfish place. I used to live in the moment and be optimistic. Now I don’t see past tomorrow yet I just wish my days away. I want to be saved. My mum says that I must mediate and I will feel better. However the more time I spend alone with my thoughts the more alone and sad I feel.

My moods are bipolar. I can change within 5 minutes. It takes a second for me to be sad yet to be happy it gradually happens. Everynight I battle to sleep but when I sleep, I sleep for 12 hours or more and I wake up exhausted.

I WANT TO BE OKAY! I WANT TO BE OKAY! My mum and some of my friends are just telling me to find another man and I will be okay. I miss my boy and I know he isn’t mine anymore but I feel loyal to him because my feelings and heart are with him. I can’t be with someone else when I am in love with him. I couldn’t think of anything worse. My heart is breaking more and more each day. Things aren’t getting better.

Jealousy makes you nasty

Ever since I was a little girl, I was always told that jealousy is such a nasty trait to have. But in my eyes it depends on the situation.

I often tell people how jealous I am of them but I mean it in a good way. As in I am jealous because what they have is amazing and I wish I could do as amazingly as they are. Or when someone you see that you like is with someone else, the pain of jealousy shows how much you care about that person. The feeling that that person is yours yet you know they are not actually yours which makes you unentitled to feel this way. I don’t think it does.

I have this one boy in my life that I love dearly with my whole heart. I am protective over him. I don’t want to share him. Even when I was in a relationship with someone else, seeing him with someone else broke me. It’s okay. It’s okay to love someone until it hurts. It’s okay to feel possessive in a healthy way. I think jealousy is a very sensitive and fragile thing. It’s a feeling that makes something positively true about certain feelings. It makes you realize feelings that you didn’t even know you had.

Every time I see a picture of my first love, whom I dated 7 years ago, my heart hurts a little bit inside. I don’t want him anymore but I guess we all believe we are special and irreplaceable.

What I actually realized tonight is that we all are special and irreplaceable. I have specific feelings for certain people. No relationship will ever be the same. Everyone touches your life in different ways. Some of these feelings last forever and some last for a day.

However jealousy that makes someone cruel and angry is a bad type. Jealousy should actually be embraced and prove to yourself that some type of feeling is there and that needs to be persued.

Tomorrow

In 24hours so many things can change. It can go from bad to worse. Or things can get better. I just cannot believe how my mindset has changed within one day. I have never been a negative person but my mood has been very somber. I miss the happiness I use to have when I was in primary school and seeing my friends. The enthusiasm I had when I woke up in the morning ready for the new adventure.

I woke up this morning with such an enthusiastic attitude and it feels great. I try and treasure these days as I know tomorrow I may feel sad again. That’s the horrible part of depression is that the bad days are really bad. So I have learnt to appreciate each day as it comes and when a bad day arrives I know that a good day is on its way.

I am going in the right direction. I used to not even think about the future because I didn’t care and it seemed as though it was a dark place. Then I had a stage where I thought about my future but I was so pessimistic. Now I am optimistic and I know that there is plenty of happiness to be created.

The best thought is that some of the best days of my life are yet to be lived and so many memories are to be made.

Friends Forever

I am guilty of not appreciating my friends when I should have. I have the tendency of falling head over heals for someone which would lead to me neglecting my friendships. Yet when my relationship would end I would come running back. I am sorry. I am sorry for being selfish and being such a bad friend.

The more I mature the more I realize that family and friends should always be number one. My friend said to me last night that girlfriends are always more important than boyfriends. It really touched me. I realized how true it is. Your friends are permanent. Don’t get me wrong when you are in a relationship it is important to love and spend time with that person. But don’t forget your friends. Remember you are going to need bridesmaids. I am kidding. Just learn from my mistake. Don’t let your friends go. And if you are in a relationship make sure to balance your friendships and your relationship appropriately.

#chicksbeforedicks #friesbeforeguys

Don’t forget to always be kind and love with all your heart.

Wishing my days away

I am going on holiday in two weeks and I am starting university in September. All I seem to do is think about the future. Don’t get me wrong I am very positive about the future but its my mechanism of coping with the pain I am feeling with at the moment. I feel as though I am just surviving rather than living my life to the fullest. Just letting the days float away. Its as if I am just waiting.

My mind has the tendency of going into overload on thoughts and brings all the emotions with. This makes me become numb as I feel like I am not strong enough to cope with all these feelings. At least I have noticed that I am waisting away.

In London lately, it hasn’t been the safest of places. I cry when I hear about the victims yet I am not afraid. I keep having the thought of ‘if I am meant to die I will die’. Usually I get shaken up by these terrible occurrences but now it doesn’t even bother me. I walk around the city with certain thoughts that cause an emotionally stable person fear yet I feel nothing. I cannot continue like this though. I fixate on plans and just survive until they happen. I waste so much time thinking or fighting my thoughts. I am on a constant rollercoaster with my thoughts.

It seems like it’s either I feel everything or nothing at all.

Am I really a feminist?

I am lucky enough to have been brought up in an open minded household. We weren’t religious, racist or sexist. There was never an atmosphere of judgement in my house. I am an only child, a daughter. My parents were very independent and strong people. My father was the bread winner that was very successful but my mum, she was the glue of the family. My father would have never been successful if it wasn’t for her. It was not a sexist point the fact that the husband was the bread winner. It was circumstance. Unfortunately my mother became ill which meant my father had to be the bread winner.  By the time my mother was well again, my father had an amazing opportunity at his feet. My mother told him to go for it. She helped every step of the way from which tie to wear to a decision on a deal. In my eyes my parents were both successful in more than one way.

From day one I was told two things:

1. I will never be a ballerina as I am too big boned. (good old auntie jean)
2. I have so much potential and I will be successful.

My parents never told me that I must marry rich or play it safe. They told me go for my dreams and I will succeed with hard work. I think they would have said the same if I was a boy or a girl. They told me to never rely on anyone else financially because it takes away your freedom. I am so grateful for all of these experiences and words of wisdom.

Dating back to the suffragettes, I admire all these women with a cause for the greater good. I am proud to be a woman. I really am. I used to hate it because boys had it easy in my eyes. They didn’t have to shave their body, bleed once of month, and the luckiest part of all was that they didn’t have to wear bras. Now I do see that when you are little that all these things that ‘women have to do’ are just societies stereotypes of women.  This may sound selfish but to be quite honest I don’t care if the girl next to me doesn’t shave her armpits because in my eyes it doesn’t affect me.  If she is happy, great. I shave my armpits for my own reasons, not because ‘a women should’ but I feel clean hairless.

Feminism is a beautiful movement when it comes to fighting stereotypes to give everyone the freedom of actually doing what they believing or want without being judged. Breaking the stereotypes of women belong in the kitchen or being a successful woman is unattractive to men. We need to stop being compared on our gender but rather just as humans. Applications and surveys should stop asking for our genders because what does it matter. We are all the same. All our opinions matter.

However feminism seems to implicate the importance of a woman’s opinion over a man’s. For example if a woman gets the job over a man that is fair but if the man gets the job over the girl it is sexist. In my eyes feminism has become something that gives woman the power over men so be sexist towards them.

South Africa is a beautiful country that unfortunately suffered inequality. Due to that imbalance, now skin colour determines your entitlement. This is tearing South Africa apart. It is all about equality but now your skin colour determines a lot about you. In South Africa they have the Broad Black Based Empowerment Equity which basically is a system of encouraging to employ the population with a darker skin tone on all management levels you will recieve points with the government. To me this is ridiculous as it is an unfair system. This is racism. Hiring someone on the base of their skin colour. South Africa is going backwards rather than forwards. Its a beautiful thing that the nation is coming together again but the apartheid was due to racism… isn’t this the same?

The Caucasian race have become the men in sexism and the African race have become the feminists. Equality is all about putting what teared us apart in the past behind us. We all need the mentality of wanting to look at each other as people with nothing defining us by our gender, sexuality or race.  In the end all lives matter and those inner details are insignificant. I am not a feminist or sexist or maleist or whatever. I am a firm believer in everyone matters and we are all the same. So make sure the job is given to the qualified candidate not because of gender.

In my eyes mens opinions are just as important as women. EQUALLY IMPORTANT. By supporting all these acts and movements we are just tearing our beautiful world apart. I am proud to be human.

 

 

 

 

DREAMS

I have always had an imagination so large that it often gives me the ability to dream of the impossible. I have been wanting to start a dream journal but then I realised all the dreams I actually remember are nightmares.

The frustrating feeling of wanting to remember a dream when you just woke up makes me wonder where my mind took me that night. The funny thing is though that I never forget nightmares. Dreams affect your day. When you first wake up, dreams often determine your mood.

I also believe that your dreams have a lot to say about you. Your current feelings and thoughts are processed and often reenacted. Your subconscious is a powerful place. It magically transforms the smallest details in your life to be something that you actually remember. It controls us in some many ways we don’t even know. It can attack you when you least expect it or save you when you need saving in your mind. I am no expert on the subconscious but I have been diagnosed as depressed for three years now. Since then my dreams have haunted me. The nightmares leaves trails of doubt and fear. Maybe in some parallel universe this is what is going on or even dreams may determine if you are on the right path or not.

Dreams are precious and authentic to everyone. I do believe the more positivity you have in your life the more dreams you will have. I hate the feeling of going to bed every night knowing that a nightmare is on its way.  I miss dreaming.

To New Beginnings

I recently went through a break up. I know we have all felt that type of pain; the feeling of being disappointed and let down. I trusted him with my heart and he broke it. but you know what its okay. I will move on. I know it sounds so cliché but in the moment the pain is unbearable. Tomorrow is a new day and I know the sun will shine.

I am ready for a new adventure and ready to find myself. I don’t know if you have ever watched the movie,’how to be single.’ Basically it has a beautiful story. Plenty of laughter but a message that makes you open your eyes. How friendships are so special and precious. How love can blind you from the road ahead. How you can only be happy with someone else when you love yourself. Make sure to live your life and not hold back.

Now I am on my journey and there is nothing holding me back. The guy that broke my heart didn’t see the world from the same point of view. This caused restrictions and changes leading to unhappiness. ALWAYS REMEMBER YOU ARE ENOUGH. No matter what people say. You are enough. More than enough.

Whoever is reading this.. Get yourself on your path and do it. Don’t give up!

🌞

The time we have all be waiting for. SUMMER! 🌞 Finally some reliable weather which makes us able to trust our fashion choices on a daily basis #noregrets. Even though summer fashion, in my opinion, is the most boring of the seasons, every year I miss it. I miss the easiness of wearing a bikini instead of a bra and feeling as though you looking great in everything in a sun kissed tan. I have felt so cold for so long but now I am struggling to cool down. The feeling of being overbearingly hot is something I can happily suffer instead of not being able to feel my toes.
REMINDER! Call your beauticians or go to Tesco and buy to yourself a razor because hibernation season is over. Yes that means your so called legs need to be seen. The worst feeling of summer is the paranoia of hair. We have all been there. But hey… We live in a free world and I am all for feminism. If you feel as though the sensation of feeling your smooth legs is something you will not miss. Go ahead. I am just a bit of bragger to be honest. After a leg wax I am exclaiming my love and pride for my new legs that I forgot I even had. Then suddenly I realise not going to gym all winter was a bad idea. #theresalwaysnextyear.
I love the light mornings and walking through a supermarket and educating myself about all the fruit I had forgotten about. In summer my taste buds come alive and my stomach seems to shrink as its often to hot to eat. I don’t know why I also seem to drink more alcohol in summer. I think its the thirst and dehydration 😉
C’MON SUMMER! WE ARE READY FOR YOU!

Save me

I have never felt so lonely. I need someone to come save me and take care of me. I am sorry but I need the love. That’s all I want is to be loved deeply and passionately like I feel as though I do. I put my heart into everything yet I am still not good enough.

Today 05/09/18

I am conflicted with my feelings. I am trying not to react to things without properly processing them. It’s hard. But I am doing it.

I am finding it hard to trust people like they definitely have my best interest at heart. It’s hard to love someone who you know is taking you advantage of you and for granted. I love the love I have for this person but they hurt me. I am confused and dazed on what to do. I love someone who sticks up and defends me but they need to have my best interest at heart. I am trying to figure out what is okay.

Also I feel like I should trust my instinct as it’s often right. I need help.

Recently I have been having dark thoughts and I am so disappointed because I thought I have moved on. I was better. I don’t feel that bad but I am scared of feeling bad again. I don’t want to die or anything but other things have popped in my head.

I feel like I am living in a black cloud. Be stronger Steph! C’mon!

Father

FUCK YOU.

My ‘dad’

My dad has provided a home, an education and more my whole life. Financially it couldn’t have been better. I am honestly so grateful as I never had to worry which is unfortunately a big worry that many people have. This has opened so many doors for me and I have met so amazing people along the way.

However it’s not always happy moments with him.

He broke my mums heart and they got divorced. It was something that really affected me but didn’t affect the love I had for my parents.

My dad was a very hard working man. He worked so hard to provide the best possible life for my mum and I. I really have always been so lucky. Due to this hard work he earned a lot of money. It also meant that I didn’t see him a lot and when I did he wasn’t present. The distraction of his phone caused many arguments but it was vital for him. His way of apologizing or bonding would be shopping. By the time I was 10 I had everything apple, 2 Nintendo DSs and more. I mean it was crazy. But that’s the way it was.

After the divorce, my dad was not capable of being alone. It was clearly a big insecurity of his. I understood that he didn’t want to be lonely as it is something that can destroy a person. However the week my mum moved out, he had already met someone. I cannot imagine how this made my mum feel. I was quite young so I didn’t really understand. I just accepted it.

Nearly 10 years later and he has had countless amount of women in his life. His type is very beautiful, fake looking, successful women. Every dating site he was on. I met majority of the women and I also said goodbye. He has the tendency of getting bored. So.. things don’t last.

This was exhausting, all these women come in and out of my life. But it was for my dad.

So many times he chose women over me but we got through it. I don’t want to go into detail of those events but it was really difficult. It put a huge strain on our relationship.

Basically things just got worse and worse. It would go from one extreme to another. He would blame everything on me and take all his frustration out on me. To then adoring me because his relationship would not be going so well.

Now he is with a woman who is very much like him. They love to get involved with other people’s business and quite controlling. She moved in within two weeks and got engaged within 8 months. So things were very intense and she felt as though she had earned her power. My dad and I’s house became her house. She would move things around, tell everyone to do what she would like and control every situation. Anyway this is not about her. This woman would have the tendency of causing problems or sticking her nose in and giving her opinion. I would hold my tongue for me dad. So time went on and I had reached my limit.

A big blow up happened but I just moved on with my life. Then she started speaking about me in an ugly way. My dad didn’t back me up and backed her up. It broke my heart. He really stuck up for her. She involved my whole family and it just touched a nerve.

He has chosen her over me. It’s okay. It hurts but it’s okay. He won’t pick up my calls or text me.

I just want a dad that will love me. I was highly depressed in 2016. At my worst time he decided to propose. He just hasn’t been there. It’s so hard. But what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. He might be back in my life but he might not.

His bipolar personality is one of the reasons for my anxiety as I never know what is happening. When he is happy he is great. But when he is in a bad mood you can feel it around the house. I used to lock myself in my room and stay in my bed. It was something that really traumatized me. I only realise that now that I have left home. It was such a toxic environment. He scared me and I never knew what to expect.

I just cannot explain my insecurities. My dad wouldn’t back me up which is one of the only people that should have to. So it makes the world quite a lonely place and trust issues.

I am working on this. I just felt the need to express it. I love my dad but he hurts me.

My Magical trip to Paris

I had such an amazing time in Paris. I made a little video for my friends and family. I just felt like I needed to share it to show how beautiful Paris is.
Hope you enjoy.
xox

SOMETHING I REALLY NEEDED TO GET OFF MY CHEST.

Balenciaga. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE? Am I the only one that is in complete disgust by what they have done? 

Yes that is correct, they are crocs??? It does not matter how comfortable they are, crocs are possibly the worst invention of all time. Balenciaga has been one of my favorite brands for a long time. They have such a cool and authentic style and the history behind the brand is fascinating. All that I am saying is that Cristóbal is rolling over in his grave right now. I am all for new things and trying out something different with a shock factor. But this is hideous. Please save them. CROCS WILL NEVER BE OKAY! In no circumstances. I am sorry if I have offended anyone by writing this but someone needed to tell you. 

I am honestly in utter disgust. This is like Sarah Jessica Parker wearing a scrunchy even though she said scrunchies will never be back in style. #savebalenciaga 

Dear Calvin

If only you could understand 

The ‘modern’ world

We are said to be the most open minded and free generation. Yet my feeds on social media still consists of constant disgusting remarks. No one wonder I have become such a sour person. 

The world is driving me crazy. Why are we still talking about race and it diving us? Why are people still racist? Haven’t we been through this? Does anyone remember Martin Luther King? I have a dream…? Why are we still diving eachother into the categorize of race? Why can’t we have categories like her soul is green or his is orange? Or best of all let’s not have categories at all? 

Let’s actually be the generation we pretend to be. Open minded and non judgemental. We all have souls and skeletons = the same. 

Today 31/08/17

Today would have been my one year anniversary with the boy that I am still madly inlove with. My feelings are slowly getting weaker but I still love him. I feel like crying. As dramatic as it sounds it feels like this time last year it was a funeral. As if I am still mourning over him. I just wish that the pain would go away. 

Two guys that I would have considered my close friends have really disappointed me. I don’t know if it’s because boys have different mentalities or whether they just never cared like I thought they did. The world has turned so mean in my eyes and I don’t want it to be. 

I shop to make myself feel better but it isn’t real. My mood only improves for a little. My father disappoints me daily yet I still feel shocked when he does it. 

Bleh! Today I hate the world. Hopefully tomorrow will be better 🙂

August Haul

These are the products that I have bought in the month of August and I have fallen inlove with some of them and not so much on others 😍

1. Charles Worthington Shampoo and Conditioner

I was in Boots and I needed some shampoo and conditioner for my holiday. I didn’t want to pay too much yet I wanted good quality. I came across Charles Worthington and it has become my favourite. My hair has never felt so soft and healthy. My hair suffers from dryness but not anymore. 

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

2.  Sunday Riley, Juno 

Even though I am only 19 and it contains anti-angling properties, my skin has never felt better. I wash my skin and then put the oil on before I go to bed. I wake up to perfectly moisturized and energized skin. It has made a world of difference. I have suffered scaring due to my teenage acne and my face is becoming clearer and clearer from scaring. This has become my product that I would wish for if I were on a deserted island. Really truly wonderful. 

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

3. Simple Face Wash

I have tried so many face washes and I keep changing them as I have not found the right one for my skin. This face wash is not for me. I do feel clean after I use this product on my face however my face is ridiculously dry after. I feel when I move my skin it is unbearably tight. I would not recommend this product. It also does not have a very nice foam or smell with added water. 

⭐️

4. Imperial Leather Foamburst

I recently watched Zoella’s vlogs and she recommended it. I LOVE LOVE LOVE THIS. It feels amazing on the skin and leaves me feeling fresh and energized. The foam is unbelievably smooth and soft. Also a small amount goes a long way. 

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

5. Neutrogena Light Therapy Acne Mask

I love face masks, especially electronic ones. The great reviews online made me want to get it and also it had only been released recently in the U.K.  However I am massively disappointed. I haven’t seen great results. It has done minimum effects to my skin. I do not have acne but I do have scaring which says that it does help. Maybe for acne it is better but for what I want for my skin, not great results. 

⭐️⭐️